Snow Fun!

As hot as it is right now, this seems like a very cool way to pass the time!

Tagged, yet again!

The rules are to elaborate on the word(s) I've put in bold lettering below.

Accent – What accent? Are you kidding me? I speak a perfect midwestern twang. Mostly correct and slightly southern... I do however have a weakness for women with heavy southern and carribean drawls.

I Don't Drink – Vegetable juice! It ain't juice if there is more salt than sugar! Okay, maybe it is but it ain't good juice!

Chore I Hate – Is this a joke? Who created this thing? Some kinda maidaholic or something? Won't even dignify this one! Like there could ever be a favorite...

Pets – Got one! A big old Pit Bull. Who for some reason insisted on laying beneath my chair for his nap at the moment... And I love fish too! Especially goldfish and Bettas. (they can live to gether and both are hard to kill...)

Essential Electronic – Say it with me... C O M P U T E R!!! It probably is yours too unless you are reading this from a phone.

Perfume/Cologne – Drakkar Noir - Gotta get some of that. Giorgio Red - This stuff is so good I like smelling myself in it! American Classic - Nice and clean. And discontinued. Anything that my wife wears that don't burn my nose hair. Or when she don't wear anything...

Gold or silver – Uh...

Insomnia – Sometimes. Usually depends on what is going on and how strong it is on my mind.

Job Title – Wish I had one at this point. Actually the current one is Home Health Care Provider. The one that I would like to wear again is Programmer/Analyst.

Most Admired Trait – According to the wife it is "The Eyes and the Thighs" Oh yeah, and that good sense of humor. And alleged computer genius...

Kids – Yep.

Religion – Some.

Siblings – Yes. 1.2.2

Time I wake up – Whenever. Whenever somebody else wakes me. Whenever the dog barks too much. Whenever the bladder is full. Whenever I get tired of sleeping... You know, whenever.

Unusual talent/skill – At this time I will invoke my fifth amendment rights...

Vegetable I refuse to eat – Okra. There are likely others but I haven't had those so I can't pick them out.

Worst habit – Lying about what my worst habit is...

X-rays – Glasses? Fa real? I gotta get some of those. I guess that would put Girls Gone Wild outta business since no one would need to buy the videos. Could be a good thing though. You could get a preview of how busted someone is before you waste resources getting them naked...

My favorite meal – One I don't miss. Ideally though, the menu goes a little something like this.
A little bit of:
Ribeye steak (grilled)
Country Rib (grilled)
Salmon Steak (grilled)
Chicken (grilled)
Macaroni and Cheese (Mom's)
Potato Salad (Wife's)
Red Beans and Rice (Zatarain's)
A summer Fruit Bowl (Mine)
and a Diet beverage...

Oh yeah, and a microwave for the reloads!


Tag! You're it: Yazmar, J, Deepnthought, Mz Coko, and Terry

The Real Problem?

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock(MADE IN JAPAN) for 6AM. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA) After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet(MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO ) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) filled it with GAS from Saudi Arabia and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (Made In Malaysia), Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE! France !!) and turned on his TV(MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in.. AMERICA ...

Moving to Arizona...

May 30th: Just moved to Arizona. Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th: The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's kind of windy though. However, getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th: Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body). What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th: I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the upholstery. The car now smells like Kibbles and shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

July 25th: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts. I'm gonna kill the next guy that says; but it's a dry heat! Yeah, so's a freakin' oven!

July 30th: Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now. $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th: It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature all the way down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

Aug. 8th: If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.

Aug 10th: The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do shit for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.

Aug. 14th: Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, Hot enough for you today? My sister had to spend $1500 to bail me out of jail. Freakin' Arizona. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??

Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.

The Wedding!

There was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.

He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's family & to especially thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was an envelope. He stressed that this was his gift to everyone, & asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8 x 10 glossy of his bride having sex with his best friend, the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier & had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to his best man & said, "Fuck you!" Then he turned to his bride & said, "Fuck you!"

Then he turned back to the dumbfounded crowd & said, "I'm outta here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing the following morning.

While most people would have canceled the Wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge--making the bride' s parents pay over $32,000 for a 300+ guest wedding & reception, & best of all, trashing the bride's & his best man's reputations in front of 300+ friends & family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a Master Card "PRICELESS" commercial out of this?


Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members & friends: $32,000...
Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000...
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500...
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping his best man: Priceless...
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD!

The Stranger

A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small Illinois town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.
As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey.
But the stranger...he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.
If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry.
The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind. Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)
Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example,was not allowed in our home... Not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.
My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.
I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave.
More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our
family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures. His name?...............See below:


We just call him, "TV."

P. S. He has a wife now....We call her "Computer."

Might Be Just Me, But...

This looks like it is some DAMN good candy!!!!

Sand & Stone

Two friends were walking through the desert. During some point of the journey, they had an argument and one friend slapped the other one in the face.

The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand: Today my best friend slapped me in the face.

They kept on walking until they found an oasis where they decided to take a bath . The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning but the friend saved him.

After he recovered from the near drowning he wrote on a stone: Today my best friend saved my life.

The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, "After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now, you write on a stone, why?"

The friend replied "When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand, where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it."

Learn to write your hurts in the sand and to carve your benefits in stone.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.

Do not value the things you have in your life, but value who you have in your life!

Pay Raise Request

Subject: Pay Raise Request


I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely, P. Niss


The Response:
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons :
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely, V. Gina

Don't Eat Chicken Sandwiches, No Matter What.....

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!

This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"

She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"

"Let me see" he said.

"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.

He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards!!!